A few weeks after a new year, a birthday, or a hard conversation, many people notice the same thing: the plan they made is slipping. That does not mean the goal was wrong or that you lack willpower. It usually means the change process works differently than we expect. These six points come up often in our work with clients.
Mixed feelings about change are normal
Even changes we want, such as exercising more or cutting back on alcohol, carry costs as well as benefits. Many people assume the decision should be easy and then feel ashamed when it is not. Mixed feelings are not a sign that you are not serious.
Try writing out what you would gain and what you would give up, then look at the values and emotions behind each item. A line like "I feel more confident and energetic when I exercise" tends to motivate more than "vegetables are a good source of vitamins."
There is rarely an ideal time
"I will start when things calm down" is one of the most common ways a change gets delayed. Next month is usually as busy as this one. If a change matters to you, take one small step now instead of waiting for the right moment.
Motivation often follows action
We tend to wait until we feel motivated before we begin. In practice it often runs the other way. Starting, even in a small way, makes the next step easier, because doing something rewarding tends to reinforce itself.
Putting on your running shoes is a smaller ask than committing to five workouts a week for the rest of your life. Start with the first one.
Move toward something, not only away from something
A crisis can push us to change, and that push is real, but memory softens it over time. Goals framed around what you want to gain, such as better health, closer relationships, or more energy, usually hold up longer than goals framed around avoiding what you dread.
"Not drinking" describes an absence. Asking what not drinking is in service of gives you a direction to move toward.
Setbacks are part of the process
Most people who make a lasting change have at least one setback along the way. All-or-nothing thinking turns a slip into proof of failure, and the shame that follows can end the effort altogether.
A setback is information about an obstacle you did not see coming. Learning from it is how confidence in the change grows, in the same way a toddler learning to walk builds confidence through many falls.
When extra support helps
If you keep stalling on a change that matters, or the goal is tied to something heavier such as substance use, anxiety, or grief, working with a clinician can help. Therapy can explore the mixed feelings, set goals that are specific and time-bound, connect them to your values, and work through obstacles as they come. Our page on adult therapy describes how we work.
If your goal is about leadership or performance at work, coaching may be a better fit. Our care team can talk through the options.